“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
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Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
I remember being a kid and telling my mom I thought it was weird that her and Santa had the same handwriting. But now as an adult I just think it’s weird that she still gets him to write the gift tags
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)