“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
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God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
🤣
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Ah yes. The three genders
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.