Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”

I reply, “Good. You?”

And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.

He never makes plans to go out.

I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.

Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.

Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.

[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?

Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.

Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

Honey I made you some hotdog water

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

Me: hey want to go to sushi?

Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?

Me: well I’m down for a date if you are

Her: I only want to be friends

Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

[Yelp Customer Review]

Bill’s Wild West Saloon

Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars

What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.

[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]

Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!

The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…

Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?

S/o to @funTweeters .

No One:

No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?

Cilantro tastes like soap.

– People who eat soap, apparently

If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people

wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust

me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?

People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.

It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.

Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”

This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen

How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?

Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*

no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby

In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.