Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.

Girlfriend: Are you crying?

Me: It’s a wedding episode…

Gf: But you don’t even like this show

Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭

Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.

ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.

A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.

If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.

Still cracks me up

No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.

Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.

Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.

Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about

Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.

Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit

Dear toilet paper companies

I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials

BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.

the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch

Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here

Man: Money

Woman: Money

Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT

I like big buts.

I can not lie.

Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?

so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…

Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.

kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that

4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.

[emergency]

[super hero appears]

GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!

HERO: I…I don’t know

Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.

Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!

Him: …

Me: …

Him: …

Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-

Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside