Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.

If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.

when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient

Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

A: ink & suction cups

G: Hmmm..

so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”

I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.

My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.

My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.

Well played, old man. Well played.

Tier 3 meme

[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count

me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]

clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.

me: what’s halloween.

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.

Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.

Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”

*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”

My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.

This is true.

Genie: One wish left

Me: I wish I was cool

Genie: Your wish is granted

⛄️: Wait not like this

I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”

how DARE

“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”

– the original two-step verification

I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.

Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor

The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.

Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-

The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this

Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you

Dolls on drugs

A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.