Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
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Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very