Don’t make me out nice you.
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I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
My work here is done
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.