Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.

just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀

Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

Her: I don’t see color

Me: They make glasses for that now

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

All set.

Corgi: why are my legs so short?

God: that’s just what legs look like.

Corgi: oh cool.

[giraffe walks by]

Corgi:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

You were the hot single in your area the whole time.

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”

If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”

the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks

My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.

West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.

“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.

At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me

Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach

On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.

When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:

My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.