Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to find out if you old.

(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”

is the plural of judas judasses or judi

All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.

With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.

Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

[wife walking in the door after work]

WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?

ME: a hello would be nice.

Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms

me: hmmm *writes note*

therapist: what did you just write

me: doesn’t feel so great does it

Dear Televised Sports Injury,

We saw it the first time.

Thanks.

Email: Would you like to have some fun?

Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*

wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened

me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing

me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes

me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf

Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no

[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath

Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”

If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

Can’t, holding a grudge

My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man

Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.

For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.

Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.

Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.

roman lesbians: *caesaring*

me: is it cool if i add a little hat

person i’m tattooing: what no

me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]

Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.

Me: You want me to save the titanic too?