Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.

wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?

Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.

Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.

I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.

I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”

-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.

McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…

One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song

Van Gogh: here you go

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.

I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:

Heyyyy Macarena.

You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.

MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?

ME (through tears): A…a friend

I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me

[first date]

Her: I love big hearted people

Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy

If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.

Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here

whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro

We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.

TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”

I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”

The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food

I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order

Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them

My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?

ROBHURT: yeh

Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.

It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway

-inventor of the Biscotti