Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
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I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”