Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician

*Later*

My dad: so what do you do?

Him: I get paid to lie to people

*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!

Life hack :

Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.

someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me

I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”

They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…

Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is

Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES

*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs

The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again

All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.

A guy just commented on how classy I am

So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”

My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.

My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.

romanian handyman I’ve known for two years came by today I said hey, how are you, he says “you do not need to say this”

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.

[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?

Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.

If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?

Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention

doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

Dog: I will do anything for you

Human: drop the ball

Dog: nope

WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.

me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us

bucket of fried chicken:

Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*

5 minutes later

K

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”