Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
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Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”