Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

running feels great unless you compare it to not running

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god

Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks

In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me

Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for

Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard

a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class

We’re intellectual opposites.

You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.

KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”

I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!

Oh wait.

When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.

Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.

Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.

Friend: *finger guns*

Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no

Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?

Me: Because she agrees with me.

Also me, to me: Is he always like this?

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.

Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.

U U U U U U

An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.

I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.

Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand

Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.