“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
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‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards