“Don’t make things all about you for once…”

My mother says hi.

You Might Also Like


I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.


I shouldn’t say this aloud but which idiot called it bug spray and not buzz kill


If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.


*spills one drop of maple syrup

(entire house is sticky for the next decade)


a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials


HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here


Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Pineapple upside down cake