“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
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If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Noah
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly