“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
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Autocorrect changed, “Felt good right?” to “Hours of delight” so I sent it because it’s not my lie at this point.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA THINK YOUR FRIEND IS REALLY CUTE
This hangover feels like the kids lunches are going to be a brown paper bag with a handful of change, and a note that says ‘buy something’.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock