@AngryRaccoon2

“Don’t make things all about you for once…”

My mother says hi.

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@iMonkGreen

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

@sonictyrant

I shouldn’t say this aloud but which idiot called it bug spray and not buzz kill

@_davidlucas_

If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.

@tweetsvisual

*spills one drop of maple syrup

(entire house is sticky for the next decade)

@sensual_dad

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials

@dafloydsta

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here

@70Ceeks

Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake