@AngryRaccoon2

“Don’t make things all about you for once…”

My mother says hi.

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@amydillon

“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards

@just1fool

Autocorrect changed, “Felt good right?” to “Hours of delight” so I sent it because it’s not my lie at this point.

@Michael_Erhart

There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*

@DaddyJew

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA THINK YOUR FRIEND IS REALLY CUTE

@Douchekevin

This hangover feels like the kids lunches are going to be a brown paper bag with a handful of change, and a note that says ‘buy something’.

@HatfieldAnne

And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?

@GloriaFallon123

My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring

@BlackJerms

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.