This killed me
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
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I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I shouldn’t say this aloud but which idiot called it bug spray and not buzz kill
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
*spills one drop of maple syrup
(entire house is sticky for the next decade)
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Why are they called Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Pineapple upside down cake