*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
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The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
