*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
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judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk