Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved

If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.

The walk of shame:

When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.

Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?

HARRY POTTER: 🙁

DUMBLEDORE: 🙁

VOLDEMORT: : (

Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.

After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.

Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.

It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.

My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace

Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over

her: did you know Weezer covered Africa

me: [impressed] with what

It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.

“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born

its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads

I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”

I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.

Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”

Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%

Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.

Everyone:

*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*

What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.

If only.

Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.

People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.

When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad

i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite

I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.

I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba

Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart

I guess we don’t have a roomba