Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”

“no, what’s it called?”

“the Nu variant”

“yeah what’s it called”

“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”

“haha wow, who named it that?”

“yes”

ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you

ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator

A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice

I hate fungi but then it grew on me.

What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.

Oh hi lol

👍

Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit

Sirens: *luring me to my death*

Me: *finger guns*

Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.

You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.

My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”

A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.

This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.

Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.

This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.

Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.

My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing

In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”

Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.

Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

them: I like that filter on you

me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks

gender is a sprctrum

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?

My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.

“There are way too many people in there.”

~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo

My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever