Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.

me: HOOAH!!!

sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.

[places wicker basket back in locker]

me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.

Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”

And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.

If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.

I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.

The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.

“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.

Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒

hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.

SON: I need lunch money.

DAD: Get a job.

SON: I’m in 5th grade-

DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.

kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????

Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes

CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?

CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..

CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that

[the best zoom meetings]

host: can you hear me ok?

everyone: no

host: let’s just reschedule

everyone: great

Hilarious if literal: arms race

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.

The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.

Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away

Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it

Me: ok

[at grocery store]

Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi

Clerk: quinoa

Me: definitely not eating that

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.