Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He a real one for that

Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!

“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”

– me, walking my dog at night

[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks

Them: Hey girl what’s your sign

Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours

My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there

When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.

The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm

People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:

Samwise’s Lord of the Wings

Tyler Durden’s Chowder House

Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)

Short Round’s Tempura of Doom

Hannibal’s

When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?

There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker

Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.

I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.

Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?

Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.

Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?

Me: Apples!

*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*

Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it

Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.

He replied: My Mother-in-law!

We fist bumped.

Who called it baking and not making love

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.

I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.

I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.

I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.

[day 3: stuck in elevator]

girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon

me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?