DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
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I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.