Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
“The weatherman isn’t real!”
-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
My teenage children choosing violence
Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
