Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.
I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.
I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Follow me for more fitness tips.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
