Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
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MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon