Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
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[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?