Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.

*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.

people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house

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( • – •) /
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Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”

People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “

Just overheard at the library:

“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”

She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)

remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.

I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.

Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.

My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.

Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes

*seductively winces due to lower back pain

When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.

Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too. 

Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.

HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG

Skills

Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.

When do they kick in?

HER: I’m breaking up with you..

ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
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