Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
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Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Why I divorced her.
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough