Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
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Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.
If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
