Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1

We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.

My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants

Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.

“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.

Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!

Someone: oh wow nice pants

Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks

A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?

My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.

He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.

One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*

Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.

Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.

90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future

2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart

My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place

One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves

I’m being attacked 😭

Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.

Her: I love your eyes.

Me: Thanks, they were a set…

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.

there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories