Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
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Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup