Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
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teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.