Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is

What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?

Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games

“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.

mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween

You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.

Me: Remind me of your name again?

Ben: It’s Ben

Me: one week since you looked at me…

I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.

Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!

HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊

[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG

Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s

Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks

AUNT: You look just like your dad.

ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.

How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?

Is it four? Please say it’s four.

8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”

– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me

[my last day as a transplant surgeon]

Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”

Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.

english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.

Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

[bar]

CUSTOMER: Barman

BARMAN: Sir?

C: This beer tastes like piss

[further down the bar]

BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having

Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though

14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?

Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?

14:

Me:

14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.

All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”

PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back