Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.

My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”

“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”

-soon to be disappointed praying mantis

With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.

cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.

Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”

…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”

I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.

Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.

Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.

Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me

I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone

Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-

[10 minutes later]

Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE

I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.

I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.

Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.

Whoever decided to spell “schnapps” was a dippschit.

mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute

My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.

The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.

When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”

“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.

earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd