Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
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Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
🤣🤣🤣
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
i lied there’s no sex. stand over there and tell me if this painting im hanging is straight