Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
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When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Proofread twice, hang posters once
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am