Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.

“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”

– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.

When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”

Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.

I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*

Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down

Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”

You: What happened to your hand?

Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.

“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.

make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight

*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”

[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)

*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*

air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.

I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?

My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.

Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.

“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”

-me, trying to put a crib together

1995: oh cool, an online book store

2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.