Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.

I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos

i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎

Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.

Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.

*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer

Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?

Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.

Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.

I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.

Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.

I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.

My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.

Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop

Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.

They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.

Or bees.

Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…

A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.

What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue

“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”

Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*

[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO

ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

“How did your

*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*

favorite sports team do in their

*looks down again*

sporting contest today?”

BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?

BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?

Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh Manatee

Scientists start rage screaming

Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no