Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
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10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
How do you milk an almond?
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case