don’t message me unless you have this energy
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A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
I’ve had worse
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
the greatest twitter interaction
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.