Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
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Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
😅😅😅
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
