Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.

GM✌🏻

Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich

I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”

Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”

I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.

Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.

left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making

You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both

I flunked out of flight attendant school.

I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.

Cop: where ya headed?

“the gym”

Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you

“thank you so much, officer”

If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.

The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other

We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:

– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)

How to have sexy legs:

*Do lots of squats

*Go running 3x a week

*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg

*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee

*Make sure your legs go all the way up

*You can never have too many toes

*Refrigerate legs when not in use

*Wheels

My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.

When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.

That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.

In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.

Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.

God: you can go on land and water.

Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?

God: that’s where you live.

Turtle: oh my gosh.

God: what?

Turtle: I have a house boat!

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.