Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.

If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.

Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.

*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*

Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…

me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.

Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

Twitter dot com. *sigh*

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.

Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213

Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed

Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today

You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.

My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.

*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days

Oh, you fell in love?!

I fell in my bathtub.

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?

Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses

[INTERVENTION]

Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.

Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM

Nobody:

Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”

You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.

A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.

How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.