Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.

A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.

“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.

Me: Do you have a Summer menu?

Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.

Me:

feb 14: i love everything about u

feb 15: don’t breathe like that

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

Age 20: Gonna make something of my life

Age 30: Not really going as planned

Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE

My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..

technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water

According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.

her: [texts something funny]

me: [types hahahaha]

me: [stares at it]

me: [deletes one ha]

It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?

Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.

There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.

It’s my birthday!

This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈

Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option

9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this

WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days

I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do

Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.

My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.

We’re prime-mates.

I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.

“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid

me: i wish i could have sex before i die

genie: granted

me: [873 years old] motherfu

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.

I saw this ending much differently.