Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
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I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Grew big
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
“Amanda Seyfried (left)”
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
some things should go without saying
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?