Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY

“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”

A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.

I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.

Like a good neighbor

plow my driveway, not my wife

I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀

HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.

I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID

It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.

You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”

-nobody

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.

Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too

“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”

If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese

Her: You’re a dumpster fire

Me: So you think I’m hot??

I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.

It’s called “Miso Sad.”

[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.

me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao

It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.

WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.