Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.

“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.

But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.

He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.

11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.

Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.

*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

*Being murdered in bed*

Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??

Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.

Me: Can you take off the avocado?

Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.

home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving

therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?

me: no no, i said arsonist

therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now

me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen

People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.

I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.

Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here

My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.

I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..

In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”