Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
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Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
yeet
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad