Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
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whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
File under excellent bookstore names.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??