Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
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That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Bond. Trauma bond.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
[eats all your cotton candy]
i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.