Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
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Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Still cracks me up
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
there’s gotta be a better word for you people than cinephile
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*