Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
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Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
me working on my assignments ^-^
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it