Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
You Might Also Like
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)