Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.

A bold strategy

I’m that bored in the house 🥺

#lockdownextension

[2287 AD]

Omg: dad, where did our names come from?

Karen: the algorithm, son

Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm

Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*

BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!

We just died…

AND WE LIKED IT!!!

I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.

My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.

Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.

I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done

I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles

[Texting]

Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?

Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing

Him: That’s hot

Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.

“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”

Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”

ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal

I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

Are you a cat person or a person person?

Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”

Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.

I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair

14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn

My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.

She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.

I’ll handle zombies.

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.

My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.