Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
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Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Lube but for my dry humor.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me