Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
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My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.