“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
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Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
I love snow
– People who never shovel
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.