“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
You Might Also Like
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.