“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
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Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
called in thicc to work this morning
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
are there any atheist mantises?
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.