Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations

would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole

[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?

(simultaneously)

Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!

My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.

HIM: I wanna be more than friends.

ME: You wanna be BEST friends?

My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.

She’ll come back knocking!!!

A classic example of a cat being a cat.

Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.

date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in

Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks, what is your problem?

I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body

What’s a Messi?

[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”

[guy about to invent monopoly]

*looking at friends* i have too many of these

Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger

Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.

A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear

Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.

cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here

Dr: You have palpitations

Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?

Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA

Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything

My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.

the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no

Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.

Him: That was one time.