don’t never drink and drive. drive high.
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My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
We really need someone to step up while the boss is away
*stands up*
Someone without ice cream on their shirt
*looks down at shirt*
*sits down*
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.