don’t never drink and drive. drive high.
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“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.