Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
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how much my patient talks about their single daughter
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there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old

I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.

Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.

North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons

Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.

Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?

Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.

Husband: Let’s role play.

Me: Okay.

H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.

Me: I quit.

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?

Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.

Me: And?

Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.

Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?

Me: I don’t know, CAN you?

*High-fives high school English teacher*

*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF

*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR

*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY

CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.

Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.

Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

{on a hike}

8yo:What kind of flower is that?

Me:Its a wildflower.

8yo: what makes it a wildflower?

Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.

One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000

me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok

If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”

Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?

Me: Have a taste of your own medicine

*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*

Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!

Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.

Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped

Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.

*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*

Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.

Her: What if there’s lightning?

Me: Then you get to be on top…

[date]

me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*

her: nice weather

me: thanks

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?

Cop: I need another ticket book.

Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?

Me: finding the will to get up