Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
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I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
can I use a minion as a tampon
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
I’m not a superstitious person but I will never say “bloody Mary” 3 times in front of a mirror. I’m not chancing that shit
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button