Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
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“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target