Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
You Might Also Like
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
excuse me
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.