Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
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“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
👍
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??