Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.

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[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!


Her: I like your hair. Did you get it cut?
Me: I washed it
Her: but it looks really different
Me: yeah I used water this time


[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*


Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.

Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.


normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16


My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.

The suspense is killing me!


Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.

Him:*laughs nervously*

Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial


Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?

Kid: Yep

Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher

Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking


My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.