Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
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jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad