Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
You Might Also Like
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
My patience has stretch marks.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
We found love in a hopeless place.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.