Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!

– RL partying sounds so violent

me: do u take walk-ins?

morgue: what

I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.

Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack

Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great

My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?

Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.

Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.

ME: *tying hotdogs together*

Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?

Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!

How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling

My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.

Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields

A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.

How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?

8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.

*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!

me: babe get your finger measured

her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?

me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see

* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *

My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.

#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!

Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.

Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.

*Tries to start the wave at a funeral

It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.

My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados

My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming

When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.

Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:

They shrink everyone on earth on purpose

The planet will never run out of resources

Everyone is eaten by ants

On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…

A cold that will last all week