Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
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a badder mouse
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]