Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
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At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.