Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
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[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
i spent way too long on this
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
not to brag, but mine was free
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I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
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