Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

[first day as a teacher]

*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”

[the lamaze class seems confused]

I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”

St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.

her: this man needs medical help

me: let me through I’m a doctor

her: why are you opening his mouth?

me: no cavities

her: he’s having a heart attack

me: flosses regularly

her: do something

me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great

My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today

No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

wife: are you cheating on me?

me: no

wife: where were you between 5-8 then?

me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related

Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.

I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to

I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.

NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.

You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.

Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”

Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy

If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too

I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster

Every family has a crazy aunt.

Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.

in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.

I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.

Have kids. It’s fun.

Windows 10? Cool!

Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95