Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that

Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?

My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.

*drops off box to Salvation Army*

“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”

*peels out*

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire

My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”

Like on Amazon or in our house?

[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]

exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts

ceo: what’s the name

exec: duran duran duran

ceo: that’s way too many durans

exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir

ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans

exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…

Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.

Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.

Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit

It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…

Ladies, why y’all do this?

I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.

my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist

It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.

[At the therapists]

Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.

Therapist: That’s the spirit!

Me: Holy shit! Where?

Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”

We need to move