Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
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McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.