Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
You Might Also Like
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Quickie so fast, it’s called secs.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath